May 6th, 2009
|07:27 pm - fast.|
i began my fast at 7pm today.
95 hours 30 minutes left.
i am water fasting. i have a feeling i'll be smoking like a chimney tomorrow.
i might also allow myself herbal tea. no sugar, no milk.
i will do this. i have to do this.
i'm also going to do my 200 situps a day, squats and stretches.
i'd do more but i dont want to get too tired.
i'll have a relaxing weekend.
my friends are going away so i dont have to worry about being sociable.
i can just paint.
carpe diem. no more waiting.
Current Mood: creative
May 5th, 2009
|02:06 am - perfection.|
a post on 24_7 got me thinking about perfection.
what is perfection?
well, for me i guess perfection is:
- being able to look at myself in the mirror and think, "i'm me, and that's pretty great," because right now i can't even imagine myself ever being able to do that.
- not caring what other people think because i'm comfortable in my own skin.
- believing that i'm doing the best i can, and that's good enough.
- being satisfied with my life.
- being able to trust people, like, really trust them. i have no idea what that feels like really. well, my beef is the closest thing to true trust. i love him so very much.
- finding a balance. love thy neighbour as thyself. and also love god.
- not needing anything or anyone, but wanting them.
- respect. in every sense of the word.
live. love. laugh.
|01:46 am - monday night binge|
i did it again.
my monday night binge.
disgusting? of course.
i dont white things out on my journal or otherwise so..
1 warm brownie with cream
2 jaffa cakes
8 haribo tangfastics
so greedy and horrible.
other than that today i ate:
a muller light (100)
a snack-a-jack (50)
a probiotic yoghurt drink (68)
a piece of cake that i was FORCED at my beefs house for his dad's birthday. EUGH. (200)
so today i've had around 1000 calories.
yep...i hate myself for it.
300 a day for the next week. then a 3 day fast.
i will do it.
my new phrase to live by.
Current Mood: restless
fuck this shit.
tbh, i'm in the mood for some heavy metal. i'm fucking angry. ahhhhhhhhhh.
i don't even really know what i'm angry about. angry about this 'disease' even though i'm sure it's just my fucked up mind. i don't know anymore.
this summer is meant to be perfect. how can it be perfect when i'm obese. i want a girlfriend. i have my beef, but i need a girl. i want to feel something real again. i want to push myself to the edge. the edge of everything. that's living.
as of tomorrow, i'm going to do something new every day.
i'm going to really live.
tomorrow i'm going rollerskating. and painting. and i'm going for my first run in a year. that's crazy. i'm such a lazy pig.
i need a fag. so bad for my lungs. shit.
these GCSE's will be a piece of piss. i can get this all done. i am going to conquer the fucking world. i am in charge of my body and my mind. i am the master of kizzy. (yeah third person isn't cool, but i don't care)
this summer is going to be amazing. i am going to surf, drink till i pass out, smoke till my lungs get sore, starve like a motherfucker. health kick ahoy.
and i need a bloody job. ffs. useless bitch.
at the moment it's just not good enough.
i need to step it up.
carpe diem bitches.
Current Location: kizzy-land
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: all day, and all of the night - the kinks
April 26th, 2009
|10:44 pm - the road.|
17lbs lost, 13lbs to go.
now that i see it like that it seems like this road is so much longer than i thought it would be. i cant go back, it's almost as if the path i've walked has fallen away behind me and now all i can do is struggle onwards.
this isn't a journey i ever thought i would take.
things never turn out how you thought they would but somehow i knew. i've always known.
April 24th, 2009
|12:42 pm - weight. update. goals.|
today = 98/99lbs
1.5.09 = 95/96lbs
8.5.09 = 92/93lbs
15.5.09 = 89/90lbs
22.5.09 = 86/87lbs
29.5.09 = 83/84lbs GOAL WEIGHT ACHIEVED!
i can do this!
|03:39 am - insomnia rant and stuff.|
jeez i wish i could sleep! i have work to do and i need to get up in 4 hours anyway but i would LOVE some sleep right now.
stupid art coursework. actually no. i love art. art is a release for me. it's just all the prep work, seems a bit pointless. i just want to paint all the time. i love to paint.
i wish i could play an instrument. the violin perhaps, or the guitar. my fingers are too diddy for the guitar though, they dont stretch enough. why oh why did i give up the piano!?! if only i had a beautiful singing voice, everything would be so much better.
i hope it's sunny tomorrow. i really want it to be HOT so i'm not freezing my ass off as usual. god it sucks. i love having the whole day to myself but being in the garage means it's cold. plus i have to do all the horrible work i dont want to do, and i cant concentrate to save my life. it's ridiculous!
i'm going to go to the gym. i hope i dont collapse. that would really suck. especially after all the stuff on the radio about obsessive exercising. i think it's quite stupid to expect people who work at the gym to be able to spot people 'over exercising'
why is it that when i feel like i'm dying i'm at my most creative? i dont understand it one bit.
i hate that i have to go to my grandma's house to work. i can work at home, and she is always trying to get me to eat. tomorrow morning i'm going to pretend to eat something, and then take a bag to put loads of food in at hers, so she'll think i've eaten it. she wont realise what's going on as long as i act enthusiastic about lunch. god. LUNCH. i hate the word. haha....joyous romeo and juliet memories.
i'm so spaced out its crazy. rambling away like this, I COULD BE GETTING WORK DONE!!!! oh well....if i'm still awake when the sun comes up i'll go for a run. wow....i so dont feel like a run, but i'll force myself.
Current Location: kizzy-land
|02:36 am - my saviour|
LJ is my saviour. for real.
|01:51 am - nearly there....ish|
i'm 13 flipping lbs away from my goal. THIRTEEN.
i'm wondering how long it's going to take me to get there. 85lbs. it's gonna be hard i think, more exercise and less food. i hate food now. cant stand it. stupid food. sneaky food. disgusting.
if i'm eating 200cals per day, then i'm saving 1750 per day. that means that i'm losing 1lb every 2 days, or 3.5lbs a week. so technically i should reach my goal in a month. knowing me though, i'll fuck up at least 4 times, so i'll give myself 6 weeks.
six weeks until i get there. just 6 tiny weeks. i will do it. i have to do it.
|12:12 am - progress? who knows...|
i think i'm making progress, who really knows if it's progress without hindsight. only time will tell.
been taking the prozac for a week now, i dont think it's doing much yet but i have a feeling it will. still cant concentrate on anything though.
the school have told me i can study at home for the rest of the year, which is great. that's a whole load of anxiety out the window. when i cant concentrate it makes things a bit more difficult though.
i'm losing weight, down to 7st now. i think that's good progress but i wish it would be quicker. i just want all this fat gone now. i've lost a stone so far, i should be pleased.
the main problem is that my family have all noticed my weight loss and are asking questions. they monitor what i eat for gods sake! i'm going to have to start doing some MAJOR pretending. my clothes are all going to have to get ALOT baggier and i'm gonna have to lie more. i dont like it but it's the only way. nothing stands in the way of your goals if you want them enough. i dont just want this though, i need it. it's the only thing i've got left. the only thing worth living for. a purpose. i'm terrified of losing it. geez, how pathetic of me.
height : 164 cm
hw : 126
lw : 90
cw : 98
gw : 85
i will get there.
Current Mood: determined